During a decision-making dilemma just ask: "What's the worse that can happen?"
Decision-making can be stressful under the best of circumstances. But during a crisis, it is even more distressing because people find themselves in pain or in shock particularly when it involves loss. Although few people have the opportunity to prevent devastating events, when writing “The Art of Decision-Making” I talked with too many women who fell into the trap of thinking that they could have controlled the situation. When they began second-guessing themselves, they became riddled with "if only" guilt.
If-only thinking leads to a counterproductive pattern that appears to further punishsomeone who is already hurting. When self-esteem dwindles, vulnerability opens the door to anger, depression, and guilt. Such feelings can immobilize and stifle decisions that must be made in order to move forward. However, as the classic waterfall and river story illustrate -- sometimes we miss the obvious.
Making even the smallest decision, taking a tiny step forward, can be helpful. People do make decisions that enable them regain their equilibrium. In the world of finance, Suze Orman is a women who lost all of her money, but made the difficult decisions to regain control of her finances.
Sometimes we are hit with crisis information at a time when we really cannot think though a reasonable alternative. That’s fine. But if you say to yourself, “I can live with this” and you suddenly have a sharp pain in your stomach, then your body is telling you, “No, this is not good for you.”
Two choices here: Ask good friends to help you. Or seek professional help. Your goal is to get though the crisis until you can make a decision in which you feel good about yourself. You want to strengthen your ability to move forward – whether it is seeking a new job, a new relationship, rebuilding a home lost to some natural disaster, or a medical decision.
The very first step is to stop and take a minute to see what is taking place. Many women tell me that the most difficult part is stepping back to assess the situation. It is during an assessment stage that you really must take a close look at what is happening, has happened, or is about to happen.
Assessing the situation and considering alternatives:
Assessing the situation involves:
- Gathering information from all sources
- Making a pros and cons checklist
- Understanding your personal feelings about the situation
There is no longer time for "if only" guilt, it is time to move on. Some say this stage and making the checklist is too much like being on overdrive. For this reason it is helpful to work this through with close family members or good friends. But keep in mind that inner voice which is telling you what is best for you. What you want is for someone to help you plunge ahead when the process becomes overwhelming. This is a way to turn guilt into a positive alternative.
During the next phase you will need to consider your alternatives.
Considering the alternatives involves:
- Generating options
- Reviewing the consequences for yourself and others
- Making a decision but also examining the feasibility of implemention
- Developing a backup plan
Once again the process is so intense that you can easily become caught up in it. And here is the value -- because you have taken control guilt has little room to breed. Nonetheless, keep your eye on the goal rather then getting caught up in the process. Here is an example of how taking a stand and following through has become part of "The River Story" variation of primary prevention in public health. This is a story that many of us have adapted for various audiences.
Decision-making overkill -- the waterfall story
There was a beautiful community separated by a waterfall. And while the town was trying to attract tourists, it was receiving bad press about children falling over the waterfall.The City Fathers called a town meeting. From that meeting came a needs assessment committee. From that committee came a feasibility study group. From that group came a recommendation to set up a rescue team at the bottom of the falls. From yet another city office came the suggestion to negotiate with the park service for a ranger at the top of the falls.A new architect in town went to the Mayor and said, "You're losing time here. Children are at risk."After the Mayor called the children "other side of the track ruffians" the architect decided to investigate. He went to the top of the falls and along came the children. "Hey. Be careful. This is dangerous," he shouted. But they continued crossing.Once on his side they said: "Listen, Mister. We have to cross here to get to the lookout. From the lookout we can see heaven. None of the rich folk know about it because they picnic at the bottom of the falls. So to see heaven, we take our chances."The next day the architect called in his team. They met at the waterfall. By sunset, they had built a crude, but safe, bridge. Since that day, there have been no reports of children falling over the waterfall.
What this story illustrates is the power of action at the point of the problem. Instead if looking back at what might have been, or thinking "if only, give yourself the power to move ahead towards a solution.
Copyright 2015 Rita Watson
RESOURCES
The River Story addresses root causes of a health problem. Called "the public health parable" it has also been attributed to community organizer Saul Alinsky from Chicago. His goal was to improve life for those living in city ghettos.
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